Well, we leave for the airport in about 18 hours. Our last day will be one of relative relaxation here at the INCREDIBLE rooftop pool at this hotel and a last visit to the beach. Some of this I will be doing "solo" as some of the JFI'ers from Modi'in are coming in to Tel Aviv to see Sarah one more time. A few words about JFI here. Of course I don't know the other JFI groups but this one really does seem to be exceptional. Sarah is very sad about leaving them and already talking about when she can come back.
You know, when she was applying to participate in JFI several folks told us that this would be a life-changing experience. Well, it certainly has been. For one thing, I have a daughter who is much more self-assured. Example: We needed to ship this package home. So we were at the post office in Modi'in (Reut actually, but it's part of the same greater Modi'in area) and it seemed that they were on "siesta". It was about 1:30 PM and the sign said that they re-opened at 3:30. We were in the anteroom to the post office but the windows for the clerks all had blinds drawn. We could hear folks in the back. I said to Sarah, "I wonder if we can leave this thing here until they re-open" (it was VERY heavy and we had just schlepped if from the car). Normally, Sarah would have said something like, "I don't know. Why don't you ask?" Instead, she got up, walked up to the window and said -- in an assertive tone, "Slicha" (= "Excuse me"). No answer. So, rather than giving up or looking to me to do something she said, a bit louder, "Slicha b'vakasha" (= "Excuse me, please!). A woman came out and Sarah asked the question and we were able to leave the box. Another time, we were in J'm and I had pooped out. My sister-in-law was with us and Sarah said, "Mom why don't you take a cab back to the hotel and we'll meet you in a couple of hours?" She then proceeded to hail a cab for me -- and give the driver directions about where to go!!!
Perhaps even more important than Sarah's new-found self-assuredness is her very different perspective. She has commented to me several times that after seeing what she saw in Poland she realizes how privileged she is and lucky to be free to pursue whatever path her heart desires. She now sees studying for the SAT's and going to college as a privilege that was denied to so many others and which she wants to embrace. Moreover, she has several times said things like, "You know, my outlook on life has really changed. I just can't imagine someone not going to school because they woke up and had a pimple on their face! Or being upset that someone is wearing the same outfit as you are. None of that stuff really matters. There are REAL problems in the world and if you're going to be upset, be upset about THOSE!" Wow!!
She has also expressed some concern that she may have some difficulty relating to some of her school friends who did not share this profound experience. The good news is that she feels that she has grown MUCH closer to the JFI kids (both Israeli and American) and is so glad that she can always talk to them -- and that most share her new perspective. Last night she said, "You know, I really feel like the JFI'ers are now my 'go to' people." Needless to say, I am more than delighted!!!
So, the wedding! What an experience. First of all, it was EIGHT HOURS LONG!!! Okay, the first two were spent taking pictures, but once the rest of the guests arrived it went on for six more hours and the last four or so were spent in NON-STOP dancing! [Non-stop for the kids that is. Some of us "older folks" needed a breather -- or more than a breather -- here and there.] It was a special privilege for us to be in attendance. Sarah and I were the ONLY family from my cousin Janice's (the bride's mother) side and we were truly treated like honored guests! Her dad is over 90 and couldn't make the trip and neither could either of her sisters. Both she (Janice) and Nechami were SO happy to have us there. Even though we didn't "fit the mold" (we certainly dressed much more modestly than usual -- long skirts, elbows covered, no low-cut tops -- but we were wearing sandals, I did not cover my hair, and we apparently failed to get the memo that black was the order of the day) we were literally embraced by my cousin's community. Many folks came up to us asking if we were "Lizzie and Sarah" (I am Lizzie to my family and Sarah found this most amusing since everyone at the wedding was referring to me by that name!) and told us how much they had heard about us and how happy they were to meet us. We were constantly drawn into the dance circle(s) and often into the center to dance with Nechami and other family members. Later in the evening, folks even brought chairs into the center of the circle for Nechami (who HAD to be exhausted) the mothers, grandmother and me to sit on while they danced around us!
First, a bit about the ceremony itself. Nechami, the bride, was seated on what could only be described as a "throne" prior to the ceremony. She was reciting psalms -- and davening furiously (I suspect this helped to let off some of the nervous energy) -- and people (mostly her friends from school) would come up to her and either ask her (or sometimes hand her notes) to pray for certain things (apparently -- often for them to find a chussin (husband) soon). It seems that they believe that the bride, on her wedding day, has kind of a direct line to God (I am SURE that they wouldn't describe it exactly like that!). At one point, we heard singing coming from the men's side. My cousin Janice (Yael to her Israeli friends and I had to keep remembering to switch names when speaking to them!) placed a veil (and I mean a VEIL -- opaque white embroidered square) over Nechami's head completely concealing her. The men then came over, singing and escorting Yehoshua (it kind of comes out "Y'shua" when they say it) -- the groom. The rabbi lifted the veil a bit and -- I am told, because I couldn't hear-- that Yehoshua said, "Yes, it is she." This ceremony is referred to as the bedekken and hearkens back to the famous Leah/Rachel "switcheroo" in which Jacob was tricked into marrying Leah first while he thought he was marrying Rachel! No one wants to chance this kind of thing happening again so the groom actually identifies the bride right before the chuppah (which is how the ceremony itself is referred to -- even though we think of it as referring only to the covering under which the bride and groom stand). Then the groom is led, by his father and the bride's father (or maybe it was the rabbi -- I just don't remember -- and, frankly, everyone was dressed so similarly -- the men that is -- it was sometimes hard to tell them apart at a distance) each carrying candles, to the chuppah. A word about this particular chuppah. The wedding was held in a reception hall which is part of large shopping complex in the community in which my cousin lives. The wedding ceremony itself, traditionally, must take place outside. So the chuppah was erected in the parking lot -- no kidding. After the groom had left, the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom -- again each carrying candles -- led the veiled (and for all intents and purposes, blind) bride to the chuppah. [You should know this necessitated a 3 story elevator ride -- just a tad anachronistic given the very "traditional" feel of this whole thing -- couldn't exactly picture the wedding in Fiddler on the Roof with the bride riding in an elevator! On the other hand -- as Tevya would say :-) -- it was probably a better idea than trying to lead a veiled bride down three flights of stairs!] Once at the chuppah, the bride (and both moms) circled the groom 7 times (no easy trick given the relatively small space AND the fact that the photographer was -- literally -- crawling in between the parties to take pictures!). The ceremony itself is very brief -- no drash by the rabbi as we are accustomed to -- just the essentials: reading of the ketubah, blessing and drinking wine, placement of the ring on Nechami's finger with the requisite "Harei at m'kudeshet li....", breaking the glass, and then seven blessings -- each recited by a different "Rav" (=rabbi) who first needed to thread his way through the assembled masses to get to the chuppah (everyone was just sort of squeezed in around the chuppah -- no seats or rows or standing up when the bride comes in or "Here comes the bride" or any of that). The photographer was ridiculous -- although the "regulars" did not seem at all disturbed by this and seemed to take it completely in stride -- and a few times actually offered to take cameras from those in the crowd to take a better picture for them (since he was, literally, in the face of the bride and groom)!! I had a hard time explaining to Sarah that a Jewish wedding is really not a religious service. We spoke about what is required and it is, as I understand it, really very little in the way of pomp and circumstance. In fact, again, as I understand it -- please correct me if I am wrong -- even a rabbi is not necessary (except to comply with state law). So long as the ketubah is given, the ring (or something else of a certain value) is given to the bride, the groom says the formulaic words making his wife holy unto him, and there are three witnesses it's a done deal. All the rest is -- pardon the levity -- window dressing! Oh yes, there is also no, "You may now kiss your bride." Immediately after the ceremony the couple is ushered to a special room in which they spend about 45 min. together, alone, for the first time in their lives, BTW. Up until this time not only have they not kissed -- they have not TOUCHED one another. They were also required to not see or speak to each other for two weeks leading up to the wedding (I believe this is custom more than rule). Both bride and groom have been fasting all day leading up to the wedding so food is provided for them and they break the fast together and have the opportunity to spend some private time together. Then -- again, forgive the irreverence -- all hell breaks loose! The bride and groom are ushered into the reception amidst great singing and dancing. The bride's friends actually constructed a kind of canopy thing which she and the mothers came through to enter the reception.
As you might guess, being an Ultra-Orthodox wedding, there was a mechitza (separation screen) between the men's side and the women's side at the reception. [BTW, you should know that this did not prevent many women -- including Sarah and me -- from sneaking a peak to see what was going on over on the other side.] At first, this seemed awkward to us -- how could it be that the bride and groom couldn't dance together?!! But, you know, as the evening wore on, Sarah and I came to have an entirely different perspective. First of all, it was unmistakable that EVERYONE who was there was there because they wanted to be -- they were genuinely there to celebrate with the bride and groom and the families. No one was there because they were schlepped along as a date, or because the groom's father was their boss, or because they were hoping to "meet someone" or any of that. Also, EVERYONE -- who wanted to be -- was engaged ALL the time. No worries about having a "date" to dance with. One other big advantage to this arrangement was that, since the groom's parents are divorced there were no problems with who sits at which table and will it be awkward or any of that! And let me tell you, these folks take the directive to entertain the bride and groom on their wedding day quite literally. Nechami's school friends (remember, she is just 19 and just graduated from high school) had -- no joke -- about 15 different costumes that they brought out at different times (sombreros, or crazy wigs, or pom-poms like a cheerleader's). At one point, three of them came out in a costume that they were all inside of. At another there were several dancing in costumes that sort of looked like the Wall -- but I couldn't see what was written on them. Then they brought out this gigantic piece of white material (a circle with a hole in the middle) and the bride and her mom were ushered inside while everyone else held onto the material and danced around them waving it which made the bride's veil fly up in the air and made my cousin hang onto her sheitel (=wig)! The piece de resistance was when one of the friends came out carrying a big pole with balloons on it. They stood Nechami on a chair and gave her a flower with a point of some sort attached. Her job was to use this to break the balloons, one by one, as people danced around with the pole. Each time a balloon broke it released a shower of glitter which sprinkled all of us. Unfortunately, this also led to the one "backfire" of the evening. Somehow, Nechami got a face full of glitter necessitating her sitting down -- right in the middle of the circle while people kept dancing -- while her mom, mother-in-law and SARAH tried to get it out of her eyelashes, mouth and just about everywhere else! Several times during the evening, Nechami pulled Sarah into the center of the circle to dance with her. Oh yes, we saw the men lifting Yehoshua in a chair and dancing with him and, all of a sudden, Nechami was on a TABLE and about a dozen of her schoolmates lifted her in the air and danced all around with her while she threw candy to everyone! So -- you get the picture? I honestly don't think I have EVER seen such an expression of unbridled (no pun intended) joy.
One other comment about the interaction between men and women. I have noted this in the past, but was again struck by how unbelievably warm these men can be without touching you. As Sarah said, "It actually feels like a hug!" Before the wedding, Yehoshua (whom we had not yet met) was sitting with his father having a conversation when Sarah and I walked into the hall to help set up the flowers (yes -- this was in large part a do-it-yourself affair). He immediately got up and came over to us and said, "You must be Lizzie and Sarah. Thank you so much for coming! I have heard such wonderful things about you and I know that Janice and Nechami are just thrilled that you can be here and so am I." Can you believe it?!!
Even though it was after midnight when Sarah and I finally got on the road back to Tel Aviv, we both felt unbelievably energized. We were each -- and both -- struck by how warm the community is that my cousin is a part of. Until now, to be honest, we had only seen the "restrictiveness" of it (e.g., women dressed in long sleeves and stockings in the middle of the summer in Israel, stopping everything so the men can go and pray numerous times a day, etc.). While I don't think this is the life for me, or for Sarah -- and while I still have some "issues" with the lack of choices that kids brought up in this community have -- both of us can now see the "up side" of this kind of life. Pardon the double entendre here (given the "dress code" for this community), but things are certainly not black and white :-) !!
Wow -- that was a long post! But -- it was a LONG wedding and -- even though it has made our time away several weeks longer -- we are SO SO glad that we stayed for it! It was, truly, a once in a lifetime experience. We will be back in Rochester late Wednesday evening and look forward to seeing you all soon!
Warmly,
Liz
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